Sarah McLachlan is my jam. So soft and haunting. Reminds me of all the darkest moments in my life. When I couldn’t escape from the pain of my life, and didn’t want to.
There was a time when it felt better to hold rejection and betrayal close to my heart, so it could simmer like a steady fire. Everyone handles loss differently. Me? I chose to never lose again. I chose to never trust. Each person was useful only until they weren’t. Tools.
I still got hurt. Over and over, actually. But that deepest hurt was reserved for the first time. The one time I was caught off guard.
Yeah, sure, I intended this site to be a place of hope and encouragement. But how can I encourage you when I am not encouraged? Sarah sings my song. I remember the night. The empty. The comforting glow of headlights passing along the road. Pale lights in office buildings. The faint blue glow inside apartment leasing offices. The solitary yellow hue of a solitary street lamp.
Those were mine. My moments. Faint glowing lights swallowed up in the empty darkness. No sounds of life to be found. Just the severe sense of abandonment that can only come when a busy day is gone and everyone has gone their separate ways. The moment between was and is. The sense of nothing. Just a faint glow. Enough to see how empty the street really is. Enough to see that the house holds no one. They have all moved on. Or gone to sleep. Despite your best efforts. You are alone.
Those were my moments. I walked empty streets at night. Accompanied by the occasional police officer who would check my ID so he could question me later if anything went wrong. All I did was walk. Walk and walk and walk. Where would I go? I would visit places that had a meaning once. I would visit them so I could feel the ache of NOT being there at the right time. So I could touch the sense of “never again.” I relished the ache. It was a strange pleasure. Knowing that once upon a time, something meaningful happened right here. Something I desperately wish I could relive, but never will. And that sense of loss was the greatest comfort. It proved that reality was real. That wishes don’t come true because you wish them. That choices have consequences. That you can’t undo what you’ve done. And that you should take advantage of the next moment when given the chance.
It will never happen again. Not the same. Not this way.